Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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