whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
