I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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