My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
