so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
