i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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