About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Randomize
