I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Randomize
