sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
