I swear she didn't look like that last week.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize