i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
