I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
