I just pynch a tree in the face
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
