Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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