People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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