hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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