People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize