Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
