This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
