I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
