She is in my trunk
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
