Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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