i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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