Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
