wanna go halves on a baby?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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