how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
