The best revenge is premature balding
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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