I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
