So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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