new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So many bounce houses so little time
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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