No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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