I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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