the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
