Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i wish my penis had a tongue
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
handjob tips. give me some.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
