Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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