god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
