Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
