well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
