and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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