And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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