How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
