It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize