Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
