I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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