You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
