I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
