shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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