Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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