I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
