her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
