Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
