just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
