I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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