mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
