God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
