I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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