so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize