College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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