I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
