i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
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