I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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