I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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