It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
