she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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